Evolution
by ShadowOfApate
Summary: Kerry deals with a secret coming to the surface and Kim tries to find a way around her fear over her love for Kerry
1. My Way

Evolution  
  
Part I: My Way  
  
By Aeris  
  
  
  
My Way or The Highway   
  
By Limp Bizkit   
  
  
  
Special, you think your special you do,   
  
I can see it in your eyes   
  
I can see it when you laugh at me   
  
Look down on me and,   
  
You walk around on me   
  
Just one more fight about your leadership   
  
And I will straight up leave your sh**   
  
Cause I've had enough of this and now I'm p***** (yeah)   
  
This time I'm a let it all come out   
  
This time I'm a stand up and shout   
  
I'm a do things my way,   
  
It's my way, my way or the highway   
  
This time I'm a let it all come out   
  
This time I'm a stand up and shout   
  
I'm a do things my way,   
  
It's my way, my way or the highway   
  
Just one more fight about a lotta things   
  
And I will give up everything to be on my own again,   
  
Free again   
  
This time I'm a let it all come out   
  
This time I'm a stand up and shout   
  
I'm a do things my way,   
  
It's my way, my way or the highway   
  
This time I'm a let it all come out   
  
This time I'm a stand up and shout   
  
I'm a do things my way,   
  
It's my way, my way or the highway   
  
Someday you'll see things my way   
  
Cause you never know,   
  
No ya never know when your gonna go   
  
Someday you'll see things my way   
  
Cause you never know,   
  
No ya never know when your gonna go   
  
Just one more fight and I'll be history   
  
Yes I will straight up leave your sh**   
  
And you'll be the one who's left missing me (yeah)   
  
This time I'm a let it all come out   
  
This time I'm a stand up and shout   
  
I'm a do things my way,   
  
It's my way, my way or the highway   
  
This time I'm a let it all come out   
  
This time I'm a stand up and shout   
  
I'm a do things my way, it's my way,   
  
My way or the highway   
  
Someday you'll see things my way   
  
Cause you never know,   
  
When ya never know when your gonna go   
  
Someday you'll see things my way   
  
Cause you never know, when ya never know   
  
  
  
"If he's such a ninny then why is he the boss?"   
  
  
  
Kerry glanced over at her eight-year-old goddaughter with amusement. The young girl was always determined to see the world in black and white, instead of the greys that she had to deal with on a day-to-day basis. "Because he's a manipulative ninny who happens to be a brilliant surgeon."   
  
  
  
"Oh." Jaime spread the freshly shredded cheese over the pizza dough before taking a seat at the island. "Why did he try to fire you?"   
  
  
  
"I briefly quit." She smiled as she quickly headed off the on coming question. "I have to protect my staff, even if that means throwing myself in the line of fire."   
  
  
  
"Do you love her?"   
  
  
  
Her knife stopped midair as she glanced into the girl's earnest blue-green eyes in surprise. She'd only come out, not only to Romano, but to her friends and family, two days ago. Yet, everyone had been fully supportive of her. "Yes."   
  
  
  
She laughed quietly as Jamie let out a dreamy, depressed sigh and plopped her chin onto her hand. The young girl had demanded that she stay with her 'Aunt Kerry' after she'd found out about the events of the last few months. Jamie had always been incredibly protective of her, more so after finding out about her being a lesbian. Then again the fact that the girl had two mothers, who'd been illegally married for a little over fifteen years and legally married in Europe for one year, might've had a hand in that.   
  
  
  
"Don't worry, Aunt Kerry, it'll all come out ever after."   
  
  
  
"Ever after?"   
  
  
  
"You know, happily ever after?"   
  
  
  
Kerry shook her head unable to grasp the kind of sayings everyone seemed to be using these days. It was like a whole new language.   
  
  
  
"I'll get it..."   
  
  
  
She dropped the knife as she finally registered not only the insistent ringing of the nearby telephone but the lean, eight-going-on-thirteen girl diving for the phone.   
  
  
  
"Hello? Oh. Hello, Kevin..."   
  
  
  
One of these days she was going to have to learn that keeping a pre-teen girl and a telephone in the same house was not smart.   
  
  
  
Kim narrowed her eyes at the group around the admittance desk as they not-so-subtly stopped talking and scattered. Malucci simply stood there, holding onto a chart like it was a life raft. His normally dark skin was quickly turning a crimson shade.   
  
  
  
She came to a halt behind Randi, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. His eyes were glazed over and looking anywhere but at her, his posture was slumped and unsure. He seemed to melt under her gaze until he finally croaked and hastily backed away.   
  
  
  
"I don't believe it." She struggled against the sudden urge to laugh. The blunt, harsh-mouthed resident had been blushing.   
  
  
  
"No kidding."   
  
  
  
Kim eyed the dark-haired clerk wearily. It seemed like every time she walked into a room or approached any of her colleagues they would suddenly lose their ability to speak. Every time she was halfway friendly towards anyone, they seemed to be unable to keep a knowing grin off their face. That wasn't even including the winks and speculative looks. "So...any interesting gossip lately?"   
  
  
  
Randi slowly turned to look at her, an innocent look spreading across her face. "Nope, no gossip here."   
  
  
  
Kim eyed her suspiciously for a moment, then casually leaned a hip against the desk next to the clerk. "You know," she said idly, "a large part of being a psychiatrist is uncovering the secrets your patients are hiding."   
  
  
  
"That so?" said Randi, apparently uninterested.   
  
  
  
"You want to know the best way to get something out of someone?"   
  
  
  
Randi let out a sigh. "What?"   
  
  
  
"You don't say anything," Kim told her. "You just sit there and wait. Because you know that, deep down, they're really just dying to tell someone, but if you ask them, they'll clam up. So you just sit there and look at them until they can't hold it in any longer."   
  
  
  
"Really?"   
  
  
  
Kim didn't reply, but just stared steadily at Randi, her calm expression never wavering, her gaze never leaving the clerk's.   
  
  
  
Their eyes locked in a silent battle. Kim wanted to know what the hell was going on, and how she was involved. She could see the desk clerk's inner struggle and decided to give her an added push. Shifting tactics, she said, "If this is about Shannon Wallace..."   
  
  
  
"What?! Hell, no. She's old news by now."   
  
  
  
Aha, gotcha, thought Kim. Once they start talking, they usually can't stop even if they want to. "All right, spill," she prompted.   
  
  
  
Randi sighed, defeated. As Kim had surmised, she was just itching to talk about it anyway, even if she was normally too cool to let on. "It's Weaver."   
  
  
  
Kim blinked in surprise. Everyone knew how unpopular the chief was, and rumors weren't uncommon. But if all the gossip was about Kerry, then why were they treating her like this? "What about Weaver?"   
  
  
  
"...so Mommy said that I couldn't go unless her or Mom went with me, but they both have to work."   
  
  
  
Kerry carefully kept her face neutral as Jaime turned her best pout on. She knew from experience that if she showed any fear or weakness that the young girl would pounce, and while she didn't mind spending time with her goddaughter, spending a Friday night at the ice rink with a large group of eight-year-olds wasn't what she considered sane. "Well, I'm sure there'll be other parties."   
  
  
  
"I know, but Kevin will be leaving for the summer, and it'll be the last time I'll see him until school starts."   
  
  
  
'Oh no...' Any doubt she had that she was going to win this argument went out the window. She could feel her defenses weakening as the young girl's bottom lip began to tremble ever so slightly. "Maybe I could take you two to the movies..."   
  
  
  
She sighed softly when Jaime's eyes widened pitifully and slumped back in defeat.   
  
  
  
'Damn it...' "I'll see if I can switch shifts with Luka..."   
  
  
  
Jaime squealed happily and launched herself into Kerry's arms. "Thank you, Aunt Kerry! You're so nice..."   
  
  
  
"Nice isn't what I'd call it..." she answered dryly.   
  
  
  
'It doesn't change a thing...'   
  
  
  
Kim slammed her office door closed, her office windows shaking. She couldn't believe it. How dare she... How dare that woman do this... She had no right to do this, she had no right to make her feel like this. She was over her. She had moved on.   
  
  
  
She didn't forgive her. She didn't love her anymore. She didn't want to kiss her, and hold her in her arms. She didn't want to whisper softly in her ears that everything was going to be all right. She didn't want to take her home with her, and never let her go. She didn't want to spend eternity with her.   
  
  
  
She had Laura? Lauren? Lori... Lori. She had Lori now. Red...Brown haired, green eyed... No, hazel eyed. Lori.   
  
  
  
She collapsed into her chair wearily, searching for the anger that had, up until ten minutes ago, been driving her. The only problem was that there was no anger left in her.   
  
  
  
"There you are. I was looking all over for you."   
  
  
  
Kerry ignored Romano as he leaned against the counter. She was running late, due to a certain eight-year-old that was determined to get her to take another day off. Going so far as to hide her car keys; of course, Jaime had forgotten about the spare set she kept hidden in her study. "Is there something I can do for you, Robert?"   
  
  
  
"I don't suppose you'd stay out of my business from now on?" He grinned at the answering glare. "I didn't think so. I'll take this month's expense report instead."   
  
  
  
"It's in your box." 'The one place you never look,' she added silently.   
  
  
  
"Just make sure you don't let that girlfriend of yours effect your work anymore." He started out the door and paused. "By the way, it's good to have the old Weaver back..."   
  
  
  
For as long as Kerry had known him, Romano had been a chauvinist bastard, concerned only with his own career. A bastard that was willing to strike out at anyone or anything that made him angry. She also knew that, under all of that, he could be fiercely protective of his people when it served his purpose.   
  
  
  
So why was he being so good about this? She'd lashed out at him, cut him off at his knees, and basically made him do things her way. In all cases, he would have let his hurt ego take over. Fired her, suspended her, or embarrassed her.   
  
  
  
Then again, he couldn't fire her. Not now at least. It would've looked too much like discrimination, and it would've only done more damage to him.   
  
  
  
But you never could tell with Romano. He was undependable and erratic.   
  
  
  
She was bored. She was very, very bored. She was old enough to stay at home alone, both her parents and her Aunt thought so. But that also meant she couldn't leave the house until Aunt Kerry got home. She didn't really mind, she had plenty of food. Plus, her Aunt had the coolest DVD home entertainment center, a huge movie collection, and the latest Playstation.   
  
  
  
The problem was that she was restless, hyper, and on the verge of bouncing off the walls. She'd spent the first hour on the Internet, the second hour on the phone with Kevin, and the last two hours shooting hoops.   
  
  
  
Now, she found herself wondering around the two-story townhouse, exploring each room. She'd just finished going through every drawer, closet, and box in the attic. She'd also managed to get through most of the second floor rooms, leaving only the master bedroom. Aunt Kerry wouldn't mind, and even if she did, she wouldn't be able to stay mad at her long. She never could. She was aware of how everyone saw her Aunt. Tough, private, and mean. She knew better, though. She was lucky, she got to see the other side of her Aunt.   
  
  
  
Her godmother was like a combination of an older sister and a mother to her. Kind, humorous, slightly stern, and a lot of fun. She still remembered last summer when she'd broken her ankle in a car crash. She'd been shaken to her core when she'd found her Aunt crying.   
  
  
  
After that though, they'd had a lot of fun. Aunt Kerry had stayed with them for the next week, they had stayed up late watching old movies and talking about everything and nothing. Even then there had been a raw fear there that had scared her, and made her feel loved. To know that her Aunt loved her that much had been strangely comforting.   
  
  
  
Jaime glanced around at the neatly kept bedroom and immediately zeroed in on a medium sized u-haul box seating on the hope chest at the foot of the bed...   
  
  
  
Kerry stopped inside the hallway, taking note of the silence. That was the last thing she expected when that house happened to be containing a hyper eight-year-old. In fact, in the eight years she had been in Jaime's life she had never, ever known the girl to be quiet for long.   
  
  
  
Pushing back the dread that was swelling in her stomach, she carefully made her way through each room searching for her missing goddaughter. Finding no sign of her she quickly made her way upstairs. She spotted her open bedroom door and relaxed.   
  
  
  
Jaime had probably decided to watch the TV in her bedroom. Satisfied that she'd solved the case of the missing moppet, she made her way into the room, and froze.   
  
  
  
Setting on her bed, amidst a scattered pile of pictures and letters was a tearful Jaime. Next to the bed was an empty box, a box she'd carelessly forgotten to put up.   
  
  
  
Kerry blinked, immediately concerned and curious as to what could cause such tears in the girl...and then she recognized which box it was.   
  
  
  
The one she'd sworn to herself that she'd hide forever from the eyes of the world, and from this child in particular. The one she knew she should have burned, but could never bring herself to destroy. THAT one.   
  
  
  
Oh, no...   
  
  
  
Jaime looked up at the woman she considered her aunt, eyes filled with confusion and curiosity, tinged with hurt. In a very small voice, she said, "Is this true?"   
  
  
  
Kerry considered several responses, then settled for simple honesty. She nodded.   
  
  
  
"Are you my mother...?" 


	2. Back To Good

Evolution  
  
Part II: Back to Good  
  
By Aeris  
  
  
  
Artist: Matchbox 20   
  
Album: Yourself Or Someone Like You   
  
Title: Back 2 Good   
  
  
  
It's nothing, it's so normal   
  
You just stand there I could say so much   
  
But I don't go there cause I don't want to   
  
I was thinking if you were lonely   
  
Maybe we could leave here   
  
And no one would know   
  
At least not to the point that we would think so   
  
  
  
Chorus:   
  
Everyone here,   
  
Knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else   
  
Well, it's best if we all keep it under our heads   
  
I couldn't tell,   
  
If anyone here was feeling the way I do   
  
But I'm lonely now,   
  
And I don't know how   
  
To get it back to good   
  
  
  
Verse:   
  
This don't mean that you own me   
  
Well, this ain't no good, in fact it's phoney as hell   
  
Yeah but things worked out just like you wanted to   
  
If you see me out you don't know me   
  
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room   
  
To figure out just what I'm going to do   
  
  
  
Chorus:   
  
Cause everyone here,   
  
Hates everyone here for doing just like they do   
  
And it's best if we all keep this quiet instead   
  
And I couldn't tell,   
  
Why everyone here was doing me like they do   
  
But I'm sorry now,   
  
And I don't know how   
  
To get it back to good   
  
  
  
Bridge:   
  
Everyone here,   
  
Is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else   
  
And everyone here's to blame,   
  
And everyone here   
  
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain,   
  
Everyone here hides shades of shame,   
  
Yeah but looking inside we're the same,   
  
We're the same and   
  
We're all grown now,   
  
Yeah but we don't know how   
  
To get it back to good   
  
  
  
Chorus:   
  
Everyone here,   
  
Knows everyone here is thinking 'bout somebody else   
  
And it's best if we all keep this under our heads   
  
See, I couldn't tell,   
  
If anyone here was feeling the way I do   
  
But it's over now,   
  
Yeah I don't know how,   
  
Guess it's over now   
  
There's no getting back to good   
  
  
  
Kim stared with barely hidden disgust at the ham sandwich that Lori was biting into. Kerry never would've eaten pork of any kind. A habit she'd picked up from her adopted father, a man who loosely followed the Jewish dietary laws, and who 'conveniently' forgot the law regarding the mixing of dairy and meat products.   
  
  
  
The dark-haired woman shifted, revealing the plain white bra under her loosely tied terry robe. Something Kerry never would've worn. She'd been delighted in finding that the short redhead had a vast collection of lace and silk bras and underwear. Reds and blacks.   
  
  
  
She could still picture the sheepish grin that Kerry had given her when she'd asked about it. The redhead had cocked one of her eyebrows, giving her a 'come hither' look as she'd replied, "I've always found something...empowering about the feel of silk and lace on skin."   
  
  
  
"Hey, are you all right?"   
  
  
  
Kim swallowed back the threat of tears as she brought herself back to her current reality. Time to face facts: she wanted Kerry. She needed her. The way she needed air to breathe, and water to drink. She needed to feel the soft, lilac-scented skin against her own. She needed to taste the wine-flavored texture of her mouth... "I'm fine," she said.   
  
  
  
Lori set down the remains of her sandwich, washed it down with a mouthful of diet Sprite, then got up and walked over to where Kim sat, kneading gently at her shoulders. "Liar," she chided. "Something's wrong. C'mon, what's eating you?"   
  
  
  
Seizing upon the double-entendre as an opportunity to avoid the truth, Kim stood and looked Lori in the eye. "Since you ask..." she replied.   
  
  
  
Frustrated, desperate, she roughly grabbed her girlfriend and forcefully kissed her. Devouring the mouth that seemed so wrong. Feeling the body that seemed so out of place against hers. Imagining that it was Kerry there and not Lori.   
  
  
  
No matter how hard she tried to rip her eyes from the kitchen window she couldn't. The lean form of the girl was twisting in and out of invisible people, spinning, dribbling, pausing, faking one way then another, until finally leaping into the air and shooting.   
  
  
  
For the last two hours she'd been out there taking her frustration and confusion out on her worn basketball. Pushing her body in a way that seemed eerily familiar. 'Gee, I wonder were she learned how to do that?'   
  
  
  
"It wasn't your fault."   
  
  
  
Kerry nodded absently as April moved next to her. "I'd just finished spring cleaning..." When she'd seen the box she'd automatically started to go through it. All the pictures, the videos, even the letters. She'd kept every personal or semi personal item even remotely connected with her daughter.   
  
  
  
She winced slightly at the angry boom of the garage door being hit by a viciously thrown basketball.   
  
  
  
When April had asked Kerry to donate the eggs she'd agreed. Her closest two friends in the world had wanted have a child, but couldn't. They had all agreed that they wouldn't tell the child, it was not only easier for all three women, but at the time Kerry had absolutely no interest in children.   
  
  
  
Then on September fifth, 1993 she had held a small bundle in her arms. Before Kim, the only one that was able to get past all of her defenses and leave her weak-kneed and smiling. That same bundle had sat quietly in her living room while she, April, and Karen had explained everything.   
  
  
  
"Yes, Kerry is biologically your mother," Karen had told the girl. "That is, you were conceived with her eggs, combined with donations from a sperm bank. But April is also your mother, in that she carried you to term in her womb and gave birth to you."   
  
  
  
"Yes, and Karen has been just as much a mother to you since then," April was quick to add, taking the hand of the woman she'd chosen to share her life with. "And we both love you just as much as we ever could. Kerry does, too, even if she's only been in your life as a friend."   
  
  
  
Kerry wanted to add her agreement and her reassurances that Jaime's discovery hadn't changed anything, but she found she couldn't speak.   
  
  
  
When Jaime had stared at her afterwards, there had been no emotion, only a deeply confused, unsure glare. After a long moment the young girl had simply grabbed the basketball that seemed to be a permanent fixture in her life and gone out back.   
  
  
  
Kerry took off her glasses and rubbed at eyes that threatened to start watering. "I don't think she'll ever forgive me for this."   
  
  
  
She felt April's gentle fingers brush back her hair. "Give it a while, Kerr. Remember how you felt when your parents told you about your adoption?"   
  
  
  
She nodded. "Like the ground had been yanked out beneath my feet."   
  
  
  
Karen patted her shoulder. "Kids are resilient," she said. "She'll get past this, too."   
  
  
  
The three women fell silent, each secretly hoping that Karen was right, but none of them entire sure she was.   
  
  
  
Jaime was mad. No, she was beyond mad. She was on verge of insane, totally mind blowing, crazy, temper flaring, horrid mad. Eight years, eight years of feeling like she didn't belong in her family. Not that she didn't love her mothers, but there was just something off.   
  
  
  
Look-wise, she was the outsider. Both her mothers were dark. April had pitch-black hair and olive skin. She had a medium-sized frame that was incredibly athletic. Karen had dark brown hair, and was tanned. Her body was also slightly larger, and athletic.   
  
  
  
It had always aggravated her. How everyone would point out that she didn't look like either of her parents. But she was also always secretly proud, because it was something else she had in common with her favorite aunt. Blazing red hair, small lean compact body. A fierce voice that could either be sweet or terrifying. Green blue eyes that seemed to change color with their emotions. She'd found it suspicious the older she got, but she'd just shrugged it off as coincidence.   
  
  
  
Then their was their personalities. She'd inherited Kerry's intelligence. Her love of science and nature. In the last couple of years she'd skipped three grades, and spent her summers interning at the local zoo. Collecting pets almost obsessively, not that her mothers let her keep most of them.   
  
  
  
There were other traits also, to the point that it could be like looking in a mirror at times. Her extreme control over her emotions and expressions. The ability to keep herself neutral. Even her posture was almost identical.   
  
  
  
Most of the time though, she allowed herself to be the child that she knew Kerry never got the chance to be. Which made the most major difference in their personalities.   
  
  
  
The worn basketball made a silent whoosh as it went into the net, hitting the driveway perfectly, causing it to bounce back into her waiting hands. She held the comforting ball and glanced up at the window, where Kerry was watching.   
  
  
  
She could see the pain and regret in the doctor's eyes. She wanted nothing more than to go to the woman she'd known as her aunt, and fall into her safe embrace. Unfortunately, she still had to sort through her thoughts. She just couldn't face her until she knew what she was feeling.   
  
  
  
'Kerry...' The blonde woman barely corrected herself before saying the wrong name. "Lori..."   
  
  
  
Stuffing her arm through the other sleeve, Lori glanced up at her. "Hmm?"   
  
  
  
She stared at the dark-haired woman, trying to block out the image of Kerry. "You ready to go?"   
  
  
  
Lori grinned broadly at her, making her stomach more nauseated. "Of course. I don't want to miss the previews."   
  
  
  
Why did it annoy her so much when Lori was always slow getting ready to go anywhere? Or that she always dumped her jacket on the couch instead of hanging it up in the closet? Was Kim suddenly turning into a neat-freak after years of comfortable casualness? Or was it just because she kept remembering how Kerry would have behaved in Lori's place?   
  
  
  
She scowled, angry at herself. It wasn't fair to Lori to constantly compare her to Kerry. Like anyone else, she deserved to be judged entirely on her own merits, and not held up to some irrational standard of quality. Think about her good points, Kim told herself. She's pretty, she's clever, she's got a good sense of humor, she's good in bed...   
  
  
  
She's not Kerry.   
  
  
  
Kim tried to push the increasingly sick feeling down and followed Lori out to the car.   
  
  
  
"Jaime?"   
  
  
  
The young girl crumbled onto the sofa and wrapped her arms around her legs. Her eyes were red and puffy, gazing at them with a slight frown.   
  
  
  
"So I have three mothers?" She shook her head with dry humor and chuckled softly. "I can't wait until I try to explain this to Kevin."   
  
  
  
"Nothing's changed," Kerry said with quiet insistence. April and Karen are still your parents. They love you, and they're so very proud to have a daughter like you." As I would be, she added silently. Out loud, she said, "I'm still your Aunt Kerry. The one you're constantly trying to get to do your bidding."   
  
  
  
"You're wrong. Everything has changed. Don't you see that?" The girl stood up, and began to pace in front of them. "I always felt this connection to you, one that I didn't have with my parents. Now I find out that it's because you're my mother."   
  
  
  
"Jaime..." April started.   
  
  
  
"I mean I still love you guys, you're the one's who've raised me. But I..." She spun on her parents, unwilling to hide her emotions anymore. "How could you deny me the right to know her as my mother?"   
  
  
  
"Sweetheart, we all felt it would be easiest on you if..."   
  
  
  
Jaime looked at her 'aunt'. "Was it because you didn't want me?"   
  
  
  
Kerry flinched slightly at the accusation. While the three of them had made the ultimate decision, she had been the one that had pushed the hardest on the idea. It had never even occurred to her that her daughter might inherit her personality.   
  
  
  
Karen, the voice of reason as usual, said, "Jaime, honey, you have to understand. Kerry did this for our sake, as a friend, so we could have a child. We had each other, while she was alone. Her career as a doctor was still new, and she wasn't ready to have children of her own..." She trailed off.   
  
  
  
Kerry clasped her hands together and forced herself to speak. "Jaime, if you don't want to spend the summer with me now. I'll understand..."   
  
  
  
"Oh no, you're not getting out of this that easily." Jaime glared hard at her. "I'm staying right here. You and I are going to have a long talk about respect and trust."   
  
  
  
Kerry sighed, half with relief, and half expecting to be sent her to her room. At least Jaime still wanted to talk to her. Things could have gone much worse. She knew from personal experience that these sorts of childhood revelations could be a real nightmare...   
  
  
  
Kim tightened her eyelids behind her hand as the scream echoed in her ears. She felt, rather than heard her teeth grinding painfully. Her breath was ragged against the rapidly pounding of her heart. This was a nightmare. Almost literally.   
  
  
  
"Want some more popcorn?" said Lori.   
  
  
  
The minute they'd pulled up, Lori had started about the newest 'Nightmare On Elm Street' movie, raving about some actor named Freddie Prince Jr.   
  
  
  
She'd tried talking her newest lover out of the horrid movie, unable to stomach even the slightest idea of seeing it. But noooooo, she just had to see it. Kerry never would've dragged her in to see some psychotic, dream raiding slasher movie. Kerry did like those types of movies, but she simply preferred to watch movies they both enjoyed. Action adventure flicks, or romantic girly movies when they felt especially cuddly. Even an occasional good old-fashioned scary movie. Based on shadows, music, and the occasional boo.   
  
  
  
A soft whiff of mint hit her nose as the sound of bones and flesh ripping boomed in her ears. Her already sensitive stomach rumbled sickeningly, fighting against her harsh swallowing. She felt her body giving into the constant nausea and bolted out of the theater, keeping her eyes firmly on the floor until she was out of range of the screen.   
  
  
  
Slamming out of the door and across the hall into the women's bathroom, she dropped to her knees, surrendering to her body's weakness.   
  
  
  
Let's face facts, she thought, looking in the mirror after rinsing her mouth out in the sink. One movie with Lori makes you sick where weeks and months of working in and around the emergency room with Kerry didn't. Maybe it was the cinematic unreality of the movie, with all the screams echoing in full Dolby stereo, or maybe it was all that junk food that Lori bought at the candy counter. Or maybe it was the way that Lori dragged her into this one with little regard for what Kim wanted to do.   
  
  
  
In any event, she decided, it was time to seriously rethink this relationship.   
  
  
  
Jaime risked a sidelong glance at her aunt...her mother. They'd decided to still go to the mall, adding a side trip to the food court to their plans. She fought back the urge to grin as she tugged her mother into Hot Topics. The deafening rock music hitting them hard.   
  
  
  
She zoomed in on the outfit she'd had her eye on for the last six months. A black silk ankle length skirt with a silver and red dragon on it, with a matching silk shirt. It was beautiful, delicate, and it was expensive.   
  
  
  
"For-GET it, young lady," she stated. "Not until you're several years older, and I'm a lot richer..."   
  
  
  
The girl allowed her face to just barely droop, her eyes tearing up slightly. "Please...Mom?"   
  
  
  
Kerry stifled another sigh. Oh boy, here we go, she thought. She's gonna milk this particular guilt trip as far as it could go.   
  
  
  
"Kim? Are you okay?" Lori shifted on the sofa, sitting closer beside her lover. "I'm sorry you weren't feeling well earlier, but you haven't said anything all night."   
  
  
  
She closed her eyes as the tears finally came lose and slide down her warm cheeks. Mint. Lori smelled like mint, and she couldn't stand it. Kerry had never smelled like mint. Lilac, sometimes roses, sometimes a mixture of rubbing alcohol and anti-bacterial soap with lilac, but never mint. "I'm sorry," she whispered.   
  
  
  
"For what?"   
  
  
  
"I can't...I can't do this anymore." She wanted to. She would have given anything to, but it seemed like no matter what she did, where she looked, who she listened to, Kerry was always there lurking in the shadows. And no matter how scared she was, she needed her.   
  
  
  
Lori blinked cluelessly. "Can't do what, hon?"   
  
  
  
Kim took her hand. "I can't lead you on anymore, Lori. It's not fair to you, or to me, or to...well, to anyone else."   
  
  
  
The slow understanding crept over Lori's face. "Are...are you breaking up with me?"   
  
  
  
She was, with no doubt, the biggest softy in the world. Not only had Jaime gotten her to agree to take her to that ridiculous party, to buy that even more ridiculously priced outfit, but also talked her into a pair of knee-high black leather boots. She was just glad that Malucci hadn't witnessed this pitiful display. If he knew just how helpless she was around Jaime, she'd never have heard the end of it.   
  
  
  
Normally, even she wouldn't have given in to the outfit she'd picked out, but the guilt she felt over this evening's confession had overruled her common sense. However, while she'd told Jaime that the 'You-Lied-To-Me' card was only a one-time deal, Kerry didn't doubt that she'd try to use it again anyway.   
  
  
  
She stretched her tired muscles and sat on the window seat. She loved to curl up on the cushioned seat and gaze out of the double window. It was an old habit she had. Leaving the house dark and just staring at the stars. From here she could clearly see her favorite constellation. Orion.   
  
  
  
She let her eyes drop down to the street below...and found herself staring into a set of pale blue eyes.   
  
  
  
Kim...?   
  
  
  
Forcing herself to her feet, she took hold of the crutch and moved hurriedly toward the stairs. Her breath hitched sadly, unable to stop the tears that had been threatening her for the last couple of months. For the first time in her life, she had no idea how to fix something.   
  
  
  
Kim didn't know what she expected to find when she came here. She couldn't even bring herself to approach the darkened house. All she could do was stare, searching for some excuse to go to the door. Anything...   
  
  
  
She hurriedly unlocked the door, her hand shaking as she tried to get the chain off. Finally the door opened, allowing her to step out. Her eyes went to the streetlight, searching frantically for the blonde that had been there just moments ago. "Kim...?!"   
  
  
  
Finding only an empty street, and silent neighborhood, she went back inside.   
  
  
  
Missing the blonde that stepped out from behind a nearby tree.   
  
  
  
Kim held her mouth shut by sheer willpower, trapping all the words she wanted to spill out into the night. Words she knew she couldn't allow herself to say. 


	3. Breathe Again

Breathe Again  
  
By Aeris  
  
  
  
Breathe Again   
  
Toni Braxton   
  
  
  
If I never feel you in my arms again,   
  
if I never feel your tender kiss again,   
  
if I never hear "I love you" now and then,   
  
will I never make love to you once again?   
  
Please understand, if love ends,   
  
then I promise you, I promise you that,   
  
that I shall never breathe again.   
  
Breathe again, breathe again,   
  
that I shall never breathe again.   
  
  
  
And I can't stop thinking about,   
  
about the way things used to be,   
  
and I can't stop thinking about,   
  
about the love that you made to me.   
  
  
  
And I can't get you out of my head;   
  
how in the world will I begin   
  
to let you walk right out of my life   
  
and throw my heart away?   
  
And I can't stop caring about,   
  
about the apple of my eye,   
  
and I can't stop doing without,   
  
without the center of my life.   
  
  
  
And I can't get you out of my head,   
  
and I know I can't pretend that I won't die   
  
if you decide you won't see me again.   
  
If I never feel you in my arms again,   
  
if I never feel your tender kiss again,   
  
if I never hear "I love you" now and then,   
  
will I never make love to you once again?   
  
  
  
Please understand, if love ends,   
  
then I promise you, I promise you that,   
  
that I shall never breathe again.   
  
Breathe again, breathe again,   
  
that I shall never breathe again.   
  
And I can't stop thinking about,   
  
about the way my life would be.   
  
  
  
No, I can't stop thinking about,   
  
how could you love me then leave?   
  
And I can't get you out of my mind,   
  
God knows how hard I've tried,   
  
and if you walk right out my life,   
  
God knows I'm sure to die.   
  
  
  
And I can't stop doing without,   
  
without the rhythm of my heart.   
  
No, I can't stop doing without,   
  
for I will surely fall apart.   
  
And I can't get you out of my mind,   
  
and I know I can't deny,   
  
and I would die if you decide   
  
you won't see me again.   
  
  
  
(Chorus one more time)   
  
  
  
She felt the shorter woman's presence even before she saw her. Fiery, passionate, glowing with an intensity that took her breath away. Blazing green eyes swung around, over her, through her, past her. Settling onto Malucci's retreating form, moving onto Mark's quiet presence.   
  
  
  
The muscles under the bulky lab coat seemed to wind up, then relax in a refined control. The crutch was almost invisible to her eyes, or rather it was a natural, organic part of her. A unique extension of her grace and loveliness, instead of a cold shaft of metal.   
  
  
  
Kim stared at her, admiring the leader and the doctor, yet seeing only the woman.   
  
  
  
'My god, how could I not love her?'   
  
  
  
"...exam three. She said that she fell down the basement stairs, but the bruising is consistent with being hit."   
  
  
  
She nodded mutely, suddenly finding her mouth too dry to talk. Her eyes drifted down Kerry's body, taking in the black slacks that hugged her body just enough to give everyone a hint as to the body under them. The dark green shirt's top two buttons were left undone, allowing her to glance down her shirt as Kerry bent over Randi for a nearby chart.   
  
  
  
"Did you need something else?" the Chief asked, all business.   
  
  
  
Kim felt her cheeks burning as she stared into Kerry's curious green eyes. "N-no." Don't let her see what you feel. Be strong. Be calm.   
  
  
  
She reached for the chart Kerry offered, and their hands brushed in the process. Without thinking, she grabbed the redhead's hand, holding it tightly. The need to be with this woman overwhelmed her. She missed the woman before her more than she would ever care to admit.   
  
  
  
A dim ache in her chest taking the place of the calm that she felt every time she was in Kerry's arms. Right now, here, she needed her. Needed to hear her say the words that had stunned her when reading her letter. She didn't care about the ER, or patients, or her job... The only thing, the only person that mattered was the one person she feared the most.   
  
  
  
Kerry's eyes met hers. Was she feeling the same things? Or did she just want to know why Kim was grabbing her hand instead of the chart?   
  
  
  
She dropped the warm hand as the world around them came back into focus. The cool mask slipped back into place, allowing her to regain her senses. "Sorry," Kim managed to say as her fingers closed around the cold, lifeless chart. "Little clumsy today."   
  
  
  
Giving Kerry a cold smile, she brushed past her towards exam three.   
  
  
  
Kerry blinked, a dozen conflicting impulses canceling each other out and leaving her frozen in confusion. "What the hell just happened?" she wondered aloud.   
  
  
  
"If you ask me, she still has the hots for you," came the inevitable reply from the oh-so-casual young woman in the weird outfit.   
  
  
  
"I didn't ask you," she muttered, unable to take her eyes off of Kim. The whole thing had taken maybe a second, the contact between their hands less than half that time. But that instant of contact had transmitted more messages than the fastest modem ever made. It was like being struck by lightning.   
  
  
  
For just a moment she'd felt the same passion from the younger woman that they'd had before their break up. In that moment she'd found herself hoping that they were finally going to be okay. The feelings that invaded her body when she'd taken her hand.   
  
  
  
Then it was gone. The distant woman that had taken the place of her outgoing lover was back. A woman she was responsible for creating. That, in itself, was the worst thing she had to live with.   
  
  
  
"By the way, Jaime's on line one. She needs to talk to you."   
  
  
  
She smiled at the desk clerk that seemed to be going to great lengths to protect her from any more gossip. The dark-haired woman had accidentally found out about Jaime a few days earlier. To say she was shocked when the ex con had become her personal guardian would be an understatement.   
  
  
  
She'd learned just how great an ally Randi was after the whole Romano incident, more so after Randi had discovered she had a daughter. In turn, she allowed her to see the human side of herself, creating a strange friendship between them. One that she was grateful for.   
  
  
  
But all she said as she picked up the phone was "Thanks." It was enough.   
  
  
  
Kim ran a tired hand through her hair as she left the exam room. Ten years of this and she still couldn't understand how a woman could protect the very man that was hurting her. The worst thing was that it never got easier. Talking to these women only seemed to get more frustrating and even harder on her emotionally.   
  
  
  
She stopped beside the admittance desk, subtlety looking around her.   
  
  
  
"She's not here," Randi stated without looking up.   
  
  
  
'So much for being subtle.' "Who's not here?"   
  
  
  
Randi rolled her eyes at her, barely hiding her annoyance. "Weaver," she replied, foregoing her customary sarcasm for once. She turned back to the Rolling Stone magazine she'd been reading. "Some sort of family emergency."   
  
  
  
"Family emergency?" Kim flinched inwardly at the concern in her voice.   
  
  
  
"Yep."   
  
  
  
"And...?"   
  
  
  
Randi closed her face off, ignoring the temptation of telling what she knew. She liked Legaspi a lot, and she felt that the blonde was good for Weaver. However, she wasn't about to violate the redhead's confidence. She'd given Legaspi too much information as it was.   
  
  
  
"And...she left." Her body language added: and don't even bother trying that psyche-out trick on me again. It ain't working this time. Got it?   
  
  
  
Kim's brow wrinkled up in confusion at the stone wall that Randi was throwing up. She'd been finding it particularly difficult to get anything out of her about Kerry recently, and she was finding it impossible to figure out the sudden camaraderie that the clerk apparently felt for Weaver. 'Damn. The one time she decides to clam up instead of gossiping...'   
  
  
  
"It's just for a few days..."   
  
  
  
"No. I'm not going."   
  
  
  
Kerry glared at the pre teen. "You agreed that..."   
  
  
  
"That was before I found out you were my mother."   
  
  
  
April exchanged a glance with Karen. They had both decided that they would allow Jaime the time she needed to adjust. They had hoped that Jaime would still want to go to Lake Michigan with them, but obviously it wasn't going to work that way.   
  
  
  
"All right, you can stay here," Karen finally said, then grinned sheepishly. "Besides, it'll give us a chance to have that second honeymoon we're always talking about."   
  
  
  
"Can anyone say 'yuck'? Geez, talk about a bad visual." Jaime shuddered as the three women glared at her suspiciously.   
  
  
  
"And just how would you know what they were talking about?"   
  
  
  
Jaime rolled her eyes at them. "Oh, please, I've known all about that for a few years now. I mean, really, how dumb do you think I am?"   
  
  
  
"We are going to have a talk about that when we get back, do you understand?"   
  
  
  
"Yes, ma'am."   
  
  
  
April nodded as she relaxed. "If we're going to make our flight, we should leave."   
  
  
  
Jaime squeaked as both her mothers pulled her into a tight hug. She quickly squirmed her way out of their arms and retreated to the safety of the sofa next to Kerry. She was not going to risk going into the field again, not if it meant getting squeezed to death.   
  
  
  
Kim shifted nervously in front of the door. She hated the fear she had of Kerry, she hated the worry that had invaded her heart when Randi had told her there'd been a family emergency. She'd been standing outside for the last ten minutes trying to get up the nerve to either knock or walk away.   
  
  
  
The problem was that her body didn't want to obey either decision. Once more she raised her hand...and froze as a young girl threw open the door. Her eyebrows arched up at the familiar blue green eyes that seemed to drill into her. "Hi," she ventured, "I'm..."   
  
  
  
The young girl slowly looked her over critically before grabbing her arm and dragging her inside unceremoniously. "I was wondering how long you were going to stand there," she said, not bothering with introductions or pleasantries. "I mean, from what Mom told me you're supposed to be this straightforward, sassy psychiatrist, so when you didn't knock I thought that something was wrong. I mean, why else would you just stand there for so long? But then again, I guess you could still be mad at Mom for that whole Shannon Wallace thing, but if that was why then why would you be here to begin with? So why are you here? Oh, Mom's in the kitchen by the way."   
  
  
  
Kim managed to make it to the couch before her legs gave out. Her dazed mind was struggling to grasp everything that the young girl had said -- all of it in a single breath -- but no matter how hard she tried, her mind kept coming back to her calling Kerry 'Mom'. At least she thought she was referring to Kerry.   
  
  
  
"I...maybe...I...I should go." She tried to stand up, but her legs seemed to be rubber. Unable or unwilling to cooperate.   
  
  
  
"Kim...?"   
  
  
  
'Oh boy...' Kim swallowed hard as Kerry entered the living room, drying her hands on a dish cloth. She tried to find something to say while Kerry pointedly glanced at the young girl.   
  
  
  
The young girl, in turn, smiled innocently and plopped down in the overstuffed lazy boy.   
  
  
  
"I see you met Jaime."   
  
  
  
Kim nodded, letting her eyes take in the young girl in more detail. She could easily see the resemblance. The same red hair, the same eyes, the same body build, even allowing for the age difference. This is what Kerry looked like as a child, she thought with sudden wonder.   
  
  
  
She cleared her throat. "I'd heard that there was an emergency of some sort, and wanted to make sure you were okay."   
  
  
  
Kerry shot a glare at Jaime. "It was more of a disagreement than an emergency."   
  
  
  
"My parents wanted me to go with them to the lake, but I wanted to stay here."   
  
  
  
Kim sighed at the first sign of a headache began to appear. She'd never been so confused in her life. "But you said Kerry was your mother..."   
  
  
  
"She is, but so are April and Karen."   
  
  
  
Kerry groaned softly at the evil glint in her daughter's eyes. She knew what that meant for the person on the receiving end of her scheming.   
  
  
  
"April and Karen?" Kim asked faintly.   
  
  
  
"My parents."   
  
  
  
"Your...but Kerry is also your mother?" Kim, of course, knew several children with two mothers, but three? How did that work?   
  
  
  
Kerry decided to put an end to this before Jaime caused Kim to have a breakdown. "It's a long story... Is that all you wanted?"   
  
  
  
"Um...I also wanted to thank you...for what you did with Romano..."   
  
  
  
"Oh." Kerry relaxed visibly, her defensiveness punctured. "It was nothing."   
  
  
  
Jaime smirked at the blush that was spreading over her mother's ears. "Why don't you stay for dinner?"   
  
  
  
Both women stared blankly at Jaime, neither woman knowing what to say.   
  
  
  
Jumping up, the girl started for the kitchen. "Great, it's settled then. I'll set another place..."   
  
  
  
"Jaime...!"   
  
  
  
Kim looked from the front door back to the kitchen. On one hand her little voice was screaming at her to get the hell out of there, on the other she was itching with curiosity. She wanted to know what was going on, and just how this girl was related to Kerry.   
  
  
  
She finally smiled seductively at her ex-lover. "So...what are we having for dinner?"   
  
  
  
"...so the basketball coach at the middle school wants me to try out for the team."   
  
  
  
Kim couldn't help but get caught up in the young girl's enthusiasm. They'd explained everything to her earlier, and now that her brain had stopped hurting she found herself truly liking the young girl. Jaime was a lot like she imagined Kerry would've been if she'd had a better childhood.   
  
  
  
"Oh, you know what? My best friend is having an ice skating party Friday, and Mom is going to take me. Why don't you come with us?"   
  
  
  
Kerry rolled her eyes at the sweet innocence Jaime was practically radiating. She knew exactly what the young girl was up to, and she planned on having a very long talk with her after Kim left.   
  
  
  
"I don't kn..."   
  
  
  
"Please?" Jaime turned on her infamous pout. "I'd feel better if Mom had someone to keep her company."   
  
  
  
Kerry smirked at the blonde as she threw her a desperate look. She was glad to know she wasn't the only one that had trouble saying no to her daughter.   
  
  
  
"I guess I could..."   
  
  
  
"Yes!!" Jaime hugged the psychiatrist, then jumped up to help her mother clear the table. "It's going to be so much fun. We'll eat pizza and ice cream, and we'll skate and... Oh, wait until you see the cool outfit Mom bought me..."   
  
  
  
Jaime frowned as the phone began to ring, interrupted her. She eyed her mother as she made her way to the phone, leaving her with Kim. She shrugged and turned back to the blonde, tuning out Kerry's conversation as she went on excitedly describing the skating outfit. She was determined to get the two women back together, even if she had to lock them in the closet together.   
  
  
  
It didn't take her long to realize that Kim was only half-listening, and even as she opened her mouth to complain, she saw the psychiatrist's attention focus entirely on Kerry. Jaime turned to see what was so important, but even before Kerry came into her field of vision, she froze at the soft voice of her mother, aware that something was horribly wrong.   
  
  
  
"No, no, oh no, sweet god, no..." Kerry's eyes were wide, filling with tears, and her voice was small. The only time she'd heard that tone was after Kerry'd found out her adopted parents had died. Her stomach sunk as she noticed the tears streaming down her mother's face.   
  
  
  
Kim was already on her feet. "Kerry, what...?"   
  
  
  
Jaime collapsed into the chair, shaking her head. While her own eyes filled, she squeezed them shut and covered her ears, not wanting to hear what she knew her mother was going to say.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Aeris Jade Orion  
  
  
  
Grey Fox, and cause of Discord.  
  
  
  
Gabrielle: "Do you deny spying on these women?"  
  
Joxer: "I resent that."  
  
Gabrielle: "Do you deny it?"  
  
Joxer: "No, I just _resent_ it."  
  
  
  
Joxer: Hello--heh-heh-- name's Joxer-- spelled, uh [Clears throat]--  
  
J-o-x-e-rrrrrrrr.   
  
  
  
Rh: "Would you wanna make a baby with me?"  
  
Jox: "What?!"  
  
Rh: "Will you help?"  
  
Jox: "Wait a minute! You want me to-- to-- to-- make a-- "  
  
Rh: "Right-- will you?"  
  
Jox: "Of course not! Hey, listen! We're not just machines, you  
  
know, you can use to-- . Besides-- you know, uh-- we can't just  
  
do it on command. We need stuff like, uh-- cheap motel rooms and  
  
dirty pictures and lingerie-- stuff like that! We're _not_  
  
animals! But I can get those things!"   
  
  
  
** --------- End Original Message ----------- **  
  
  
  



	4. If You're Gone

Evolution  
  
Part IV: If You're Gone  
  
By Aeris  
  
  
  
If You're Gone   
  
By MatchBox Twenty   
  
  
  
I think I've already lost you   
  
I think you're already gone.   
  
I think I'm finally scared now   
  
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong   
  
I think you're already leaving   
  
Feels like your hand is on the door   
  
I thought this place was an empire   
  
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure   
  
  
  
I think you're so mean - I think we should try   
  
I think I could need - this in my life   
  
I think I'm just scared - I think too much   
  
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing   
  
  
  
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home   
  
There's an awful lot of breathing room   
  
But I can hardly move   
  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home   
  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me   
  
In everything in you   
  
  
  
I bet you're hard to get over   
  
I bet the room just won't shine   
  
I bet my hands I can stay here   
  
I bet you need - more than you mind   
  
  
  
I think you're so mean - I think we should try   
  
I think I could need - this in my life   
  
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much   
  
I can't relate and that's a problem   
  
I'm feeling   
  
  
  
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home   
  
There's an awful lot of breathing room   
  
But I can hardly move   
  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home   
  
cuz there's a little bit of something me   
  
In everything in you   
  
  
  
I think you're so mean - I think we should try   
  
I think I could need - this in my life   
  
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much   
  
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing   
  
  
  
  
  
Kim set her coffee mug on the countertop. "How's she doing?"   
  
  
  
"She just lost both of her parents," the shorter woman replied tonelessly. "How do you think?" She didn't look up from the second mug that she was rinsing single-mindedly.   
  
  
  
Kim flinched slightly at Kerry's tone. The last two weeks had been incredibly stressful for all of them. She'd been witness to the aftermath of April and Karen's deaths. She and Randi had even spent the first week staying with Jaime, while Kerry had gone up to see about their bodies.   
  
  
  
She'd found herself able to temporarily ignore her fear of Kerry, and right now, she didn't want to take too close a look at why she was so willingly to drop everything to be there for them. 'Chicken... Damn right.'   
  
  
  
"I'm sorry," Kerry said softly, turning to pat Kim's shoulder. "You didn't deserve that."   
  
  
  
She took a close look at her ex-lover, seeing for the first time just how badly their deaths had effected her. There were dark circles under her eyes, her clothes were hanging on her body unnaturally. It must have been horrible for Kerry, Kim reflected, two of her dearest friends, the mothers of her daughter. Moreso because of the way it had happened. A freak auto accident, not unlike the one that had claimed both of Kerry's adoptive parents. Another thing that Kerry and Jaime had in common.   
  
  
  
Once again, Kim's fear was overridden by her concern. "When was the last time you ate anything?"   
  
  
  
"I haven't been hungry."   
  
  
  
"Kerry, you need to take care of yourself. Now, more than ever."   
  
  
  
She wanted to take the older woman into her arms. To tell her that everything would be okay. Two weeks, she'd found herself totally taken with Jaime. Two weeks, and she'd been a witness to a side of Kerry that had just left her even more in love than before.   
  
  
  
This was the Kerry that she'd gotten small glimpses of during their time together, but that's all she'd gotten was peeks. Now though, she saw that woman all the time. There was something about Jaime that just melted everyone's heart, especially Kerry's.   
  
  
  
Randi had been an even bigger surprise. The clerk had been supportive and protective of the small family. As much as Kim appreciated it on Kerry's behalf, she also found herself feeling almost...well, jealous of the dark haired woman. She was positive that Randi had some sort of crush on her ex-lover, and every time they were anywhere near each other, it took every ounce of willpower not to rip the women apart.   
  
  
  
Kim snorted inwardly, at her own feelings. 'Possessive much...?'   
  
  
  
"Kim?"   
  
  
  
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"   
  
  
  
"Jamie was wondering if you were coming over tonight. She said something about a movie night."   
  
  
  
She relaxed slightly, knowing that they'd be with her tonight and not Randi. "Yeah. I'll stop by at seven."   
  
  
  
"Good. I'll see you then."   
  
  
  
She waited until Kerry had left the lounge before slumping against the wall. It seemed like no matter what she did she was destined to be in Kerry's life.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jaime glanced up as Kim entered the living room, managing a small grin. She could tell that the young girl had been crying earlier. On one hand she was glad that the denial and shook had finally worn off, but on the other she hated that Jaime had to go through this at all.   
  
  
  
"Hey, what are you watching?"   
  
  
  
"Oh, uh, 'The Princess Bride'." Jaime sat up on the couch, letting her take a seat. "Mom just called, she's running late, but she said we could go ahead and start. What'd you get?"   
  
  
  
She got out of Jaime's way as she dived for the Blockbuster bag, and began to shift through the movies. She'd only seen small bursts of life in Jaime in the last two weeks. Even when they'd moved her belongings to Kerry's, it had been more like watching a zombie than anything.   
  
  
  
She felt a sudden wave of weariness as the young girl cast a subtle sideways look at her. She could practically hear the wheels spinning inside her head. "Guess what?"   
  
  
  
Kim swallowed nervously, feeling like a parrot talking to a starving cat. She briefly considered making a run for it, but the little voice in her head reminded her that any real participation from the girl would do her good. "What?"   
  
  
  
"Mom finally got up the nerve to..."   
  
  
  
Kim forgot all about her the warning bells in her mind and sat forward. "Got the nerve to what?"   
  
  
  
"Uh, never mind. You probably wouldn't care anyway. I mean, if Mom decides that she wants to date Randi...and it's not really a date. I mean, they're only going to that Jazz club Mom loves so much. So what if they're going by themselves..."   
  
  
  
Kim gripped the edge of the sofa. It made sense. The secretive looks, the sudden need to protect Kerry, even the knowing looks that Randi kept giving her. It was her fault. If she hadn't been so busy letting the fear dictate her actions, if she hadn't been so caught up in trying to make Kerry jealous....   
  
  
  
'Oh god, what have I done?'   
  
  
  
  
  
Kerry groaned softly as her lower back protested her sitting down. She'd refused the painkillers Jing-Mei had offered, knowing from experience that they wouldn't really help. Besides, there was really no point, it was only a minor sprain. It would be heal in a couple of days anyway.   
  
  
  
"You okay?"   
  
  
  
She nodded at the figure in the corner. She'd been hoping that Kim would have gone home already. Nothing else had gone the way they should've, so why would this? "Fine."   
  
  
  
"Really?" When she didn't answer Kim stalked towards her. "That's funny, because I called the ER to check on you."   
  
  
  
"Did you?"   
  
  
  
"Mmm-hmm, and you know what Malucci told me?"   
  
  
  
Kerry sighed at the deadly tone in Kim's voice. It was the same tone that she'd used when she'd discovered that she'd gotten in between two fighting gang members, the same tone she'd used when she'd witnessed her telling off a six foot, two hundred pound man for trying to attack a member of her staff. A tone she only used when she was scared witless for her, and didn't know how to handle that fear. "Kim, don't..."   
  
  
  
"Don't what, Kerry? Do you have any idea how stupid what you did was? My god Kerry, you aren't invincible. You..."   
  
  
  
"...did what I had to. I'm the chief of the ER, it's my job to protect it."   
  
  
  
Kim sat next to her, leaning forward on her knees. "I understand that you have a job to do, but you also have a daughter to think about. You can't keep putting yourself into these positions..."   
  
  
  
"I know." Kerry considered getting angry with the younger woman, but experience let her know it wasn't worth it. "I know, and if I thought for one minute that it wasn't a situation I couldn't control then I wouldn't put myself into it."   
  
  
  
"What about tonight? Were you in control of the situation when you got thrown into the admittance desk?"   
  
  
  
"Kim..."   
  
  
  
"Damn it, Kerry...!"   
  
  
  
"Get out."   
  
  
  
Kim felt the oncoming rant disappear at the cool tone of her ex-lover. "What?"   
  
  
  
"I said to get out of here. If all you're going to do is criticize me, then just go to hell. Go back to your life and leave me..." Kerry broke off abruptly, realizing what she'd just said.   
  
  
  
Kim felt the words knife through her, but forced herself not to react visibly. Was this how Kerry had felt when she said the same thing?   
  
  
  
Kerry turned away, one hand covering her mouth. "I didn't mean that..."   
  
  
  
"I know." Kim forced the words out, her voice barely a whisper.   
  
  
  
"Oh god, Kim, I'm sorry..."   
  
  
  
Kim leaned against her, enjoying the warmth radiating from the older woman's body. No matter what Kerry said, she had no intention of leaving, not with her injured. "No, I'm sorry. I'm just so worried about you. I can't shake this feeling that one day you're going to get killed defending your ER."   
  
  
  
She felt Kerry relax somewhat, settling in place. "According to Carter, I'm too mean to die..." she murmured.   
  
  
  
Kim snorted darkly. The hospital was loaded with sayings and names about Kerry. Since their dating had been a secret, then up until recently she'd been exposed to them, and she hated every single one of them. The idea that people could be that cruel, even in joking, to her lover... EX-lover made her blood boil.   
  
  
  
"Speaking of the ER, Jaime said that you and Randi...Kerry?" She glanced down at the head pillowed against her shoulder. She'd sworn she'd heard her snore. "Kerry?"   
  
  
  
She sighed softly as the soft snuff came from the red head.   
  
  
  
Kim wrapped her arms around the lean body. Kerry mumbled quietly and snuggled closer to her in her sleep. She couldn't understand how she ever thought she could ever survive without this.   
  
  
  
  
  
Jaime rubbed her face as she walked into the living room. She'd been finding it increasingly difficult to sleep late since her parents had died. Today was no different. She'd found herself staring at the ceiling in her new room at seven twenty five. "...inhuman...cruel...blasted..."   
  
  
  
She paused inside the kitchen doorway, and slowly backed up. Stopping beside the sofa, she allowed her eyes to wander over to it. Closing her eyes for a moment, she scrubbed at them, then reopened them. The two women, tall blonde and shorter redhead, were still there, the one holding the other tenderly while she slept.   
  
  
  
Silently she leaped up, pumping her fist in the air, barely able to hold in the victory yell that was threatening to escape. Suddenly energized, she let out a squeal and raced upstairs. She had a call to make. Randi was gonna love this!   
  
  
  
  
  
Kim shifted as she studied Kerry's closed-off face. She had felt so elated when she'd woken up in the redhead's arms, for just a moment she believed that everything would be okay. Until Kerry had given her a long look, then disappeared upstairs to shower and change. Fleeing from what had been, and could be again.   
  
  
  
Now the fear was creeping its way back, only this time it was because she could feel Kerry slipping away from her. It was all she could do not to give in to the panic. Before, she was in control. She was the one deciding that they not date, or talk. Now, it was Kerry in control, and it petrified her.   
  
  
  
She had no idea what to do, the only thing she knew for certain was that she had to act fast. Tonight Kerry was going to be going out with that flaky bitch Randi, and she would be damned if she was going to lose her now.   
  
  
  
Randi held the phone tightly, intent on what the person on the other end was saying. Girlish enthusiasm, even in hushed, secretive tones, threatened to render her unintelligible, but Randi got the gist of it. Every so often she would make a noise, mostly "Yeah?" or "Uh-huh?" but otherwise she was quiet. Her lips thinned, and her eyes narrowed in such concentration that the people around her were unable to do anything but stare in surprise. Those who paid attention, anyway.   
  
  
  
"Interesting..." she mumbled absently. "I think it's time we upped the ante..."   
  
  
  
They discussed a couple of ideas without finalizing anything, then said goodbye. Randi was no shrink like Kim, but she knew that the bursts of good cheer cutting through the girl's depression were a good sign. Children, she'd learned, could be amazingly resilient, even in the worst of tragedies. And anything Randi could do to help, she'd do without hesitation.   
  
  
  
She hung up still locked in her thoughts of the two lovely doctors and their on-again, off-again attraction. "Tonight's definitely going to be a night to remember..." she muttered. She'd see to that, one way or another. 


	5. Hanging By A Moment

Evolution, Part V: Hanging By a Moment  
  
By Aeris  
  
  
  
Hanging By A Moment   
  
By Life House   
  
  
  
Desperate for changing   
  
Starving for truth   
  
I'm closer to where I started   
  
I'm chasing after you   
  
I'm falling even more in love with you   
  
Letting go of all I've held onto   
  
I'm standing here until you make me move   
  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you   
  
  
  
Forgetting all I'm lacking   
  
Completely incomplete   
  
I'll take your invitation   
  
You take all of me   
  
  
  
Now I'm falling even more in love with you   
  
Letting go of all I've held onto   
  
I'm standing here until you make me move   
  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you   
  
I'm living for the only thing I know   
  
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go   
  
And I don't know what I'm diving into   
  
Just hanging by a moment here with you   
  
  
  
There's nothing else to lose   
  
There's nothing else to find   
  
There's nothing in the world   
  
That could change my mind   
  
There is nothing else   
  
There is nothing else   
  
There is nothing else   
  
  
  
Desperate for changing   
  
Starving for truth   
  
I'm closer to where I started   
  
I'm chasing after you   
  
I'm falling even more in love with you   
  
Letting go of all I've held onto   
  
I'm standing here until you make me move   
  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you   
  
  
  
I'm living for the only thing I know   
  
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go   
  
And I don't know what I'm diving into   
  
Just hanging by a moment here with you   
  
Just hanging by a moment   
  
Hanging by a moment   
  
Hanging by a moment   
  
Hanging by a moment here with you   
  
  
  
"Maybe you should stay home tonight." She cleared her throat awkwardly at the half glare Kerry threw at her before entering her bathroom. "Your back," she supplied quickly. "You should be resting with your back like that."   
  
  
  
"My back is fine. Besides, I spent all day 'resting'."   
  
  
  
Kim pursued her lips tightly together. She didn't like this, not one bit, and Jaime... She glared over at the young girl reclining on Kerry's bed, flipping through a magazine. She just knew that little fiend was up to something. Something that was ending up with 'her' lover with...with...that desk clerk.   
  
  
  
She snapped back around to the closed bathroom door, willing her eyes to see through the thick wood. Kerry was in there, getting ready for 'her'. "I just don't want you to overdo it," she called, casting a suspicious look at Jaime as the young girl began to cough.   
  
  
  
"I won't," came the reply. "Besides, I've been looking forward to this concert for a month."   
  
  
  
Kim gasped softly at the figure that appeared in the bathroom door. Her eyes seemed to take on a life of their own, roaming over the familiar body. She grabbed the post at the foot of the bed, trying to steady her suddenly weak knees.   
  
  
  
She'd never seen her Kerry dressed like that before. The thin, dark emerald silk seemed to cling to her body in all the right places, flowing all the way down to her ankles. The spaghetti string straps seemed to be barely holding it up. The cleavage seemed to plunge forever, and the slit on the side...   
  
  
  
'My Kerry...'   
  
  
  
Jaime let out a wolf whistle that cut right through the lusty haze of her mind. "Wowza, Randi is going to pass out."   
  
  
  
'Randi... She's dressed like that for...RANdi.'   
  
  
  
Her mind screeched to a halt. There was no way in hell she was going to let her out of here with...RAN-di, dressed like that. The hated name took on more of a sarcastic lilt in her head each time it came up.   
  
  
  
Okay, calm down. She could do this, she just had to remain calm, be subtle. "You're going out like...that?"   
  
  
  
She swallowed at the deathly calm, silent gaze that met her. "Yes, 'mom'," Kerry replied, deadpan. "And don't wait up."   
  
  
  
'uh oh...'   
  
  
  
"Has anyone ever told you that you have an uncanny knack for getting yourself into trouble?" said the trickster devil child from the doorway.   
  
  
  
Kim groaned softly. That was an understatement. She honestly meant to be cool about the whole thing, maybe use her psychiatry degree for a good cause. Instead she'd opened her mouth and gotten herself on the wrong side of one Dr. Kerry Weaver, ER Chief extraordinaire and once potential love of her life.   
  
  
  
She just didn't know what was wrong with her. She'd always had a smooth charming persona that melted women, but ever since she'd broken up with Kerry, she'd found herself on the opposite side of the fence. No matter what she did she just couldn't stop her mouth from saying the first thing that came to mind.   
  
  
  
Jaime's teasing statement became serious as she sat next to her. "You really love her, huh?"   
  
  
  
"I've never felt like this before. It's...unnerving."   
  
  
  
"Have you ever told her that?"   
  
  
  
Kim grimaced slightly. Jaime already knew the answer to that question, just like she did. She was great when it came to every other emotion. She was even better at expressing herself through physical intimacy. But when it came to actually saying those three words...   
  
  
  
"Maybe you should."   
  
  
  
"Maybe."   
  
  
  
They lapsed into silence, but Kim felt the girl snuggle against her side. It was a gesture of simple familiarity, between family. She put her arm gratefully around Jaime's shoulders and they watched TV together.   
  
  
  
Kerry glanced shyly at her 'date', who was caught up in the music. Even after years of working near each other, the dark-haired woman was a puzzle to her. She'd seen different sides to the younger woman in the ER, but until recently she'd never seen the charming woman.   
  
  
  
Randi had been suave all night, allowing her to see the intelligent, beautiful, almost bashful woman underneath the brashness. The hardbitten, tough-talking cynic from the ER desk had been left at home tonight, and the Randi who sat beside her was practically sparkling with wit and good humor.   
  
  
  
"You know, I'm surprised you went along with this, Kerry," Randi said later, as they stopped for a drink at a nearby club. "You don't normally go in for deceptions as a general rule."   
  
  
  
"Since when?" Kerry replied.   
  
  
  
"Well, you don't tolerate any dishonesty at work..."   
  
  
  
"Not on a professional level, no. But I've had my share of friendly mischief, when the cause was right. You remember the beet soup?"   
  
  
  
Randi blinked. "Don't think so. What was...?"   
  
  
  
"Back when Conni was pregnant, and couldn't wait to deliver, the ER staff tricked her into going to Magoo's for beet soup, telling her it induced labor. But it was just a ruse to sucker her into a surprise baby shower."   
  
  
  
"Oh yeah, right."   
  
  
  
"Whose idea do you think that was?"   
  
  
  
Randi looked at Kerry, her eyes and her smile widening at once. "Oh, you evil woman!"   
  
  
  
Kerry had to laugh along with her. She had to admit, she hadn't had this much fun out with a friend since that Thanksgiving dinner with Kim...   
  
  
  
Then she remembered how that had turned out, and it put a whole new light on things.   
  
  
  
"Um, you didn't mention this to anyone at work, did you?" she asked abruptly. "That you and I were having dinner together?"   
  
  
  
Randi's face took on a guilty look. "Was I not supposed to...?"   
  
  
  
Kerry suddenly paled...   
  
  
  
"Gotcha, Kerry! No, course not. I know how inappropriate that would look, the ER Chief on a date with a member of her support staff. Nobody knows about this but Kim and Jaime and us."   
  
  
  
Kerry sighed with relief. "Thank you. That would be entirely inappropriate, of course."   
  
  
  
"Right." Randi smiled at her, the loveliness of her face keenly apparent.   
  
  
  
Her voice caught. "I mean, it's one thing for us to make Kim jealous, but of course we couldn't really..."   
  
  
  
Randi patted her hand. "No, of course not."   
  
  
  
When their hands touched, their fingers molded together perfectly, setting her skin on fire.   
  
  
  
Sighing at the conflicting feelings inside her mind, she slowly brushed her thumb over Randi's hand, taking pleasure in the sharp intake of breath that came from her. She had plainly seen the effect she seemed to be having on her.   
  
  
  
She felt Randi shift, leaning against her shoulder, and moved to accommodate her. Letting go of her hand, she draped her arm over the back of her chair. The next song began as she leaned closer.   
  
  
  
"Of course...as long as we're here, no reason we shouldn't enjoy ourselves," Randi said. "May I have this dance?"   
  
  
  
Kerry stiffened for the barest of instants, taken by surprise. Her eyes flickered over the dance floor at the other couples, all male-female. Randi had chosen the nightclub, one she was unfamiliar with, so the likelihood of running into anyone she knew was low. But still, dancing with a woman in public...not even her former lover Kim, but with Randi, a subordinate... And a friend...   
  
  
  
Then, casting doubt to the wind, she stood up, still holding Randi's hand. 


End file.
